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World Toilet Day Celebrations in Chipping Norton

World Toilet Day Celebrations in Chipping Norton

As we all know the 19th November is the celebration of world toilet day – I know ‘what another crap day’ – well yes actually. As we know a visit to the bathroom is a regular ritual for all of us and a person will go to the toilet about 6 to 7 times a day and with all that flushing that takes place will use around 30% of the 60 gallons of water used by an average person in the UK daily. It is something we all take for granted and is a luxury quite unique to the western world – well over half of the world population especially in the developing nations use private dry facilitates i.e. they crap outside into a pit latrine or on the floor. Even in the UK flush toilets are quite recent (end 19C) remember Lord Black Adder (TV series in the UK) when he was trying to sell his house in Elizabethan times boasted that his house had all the latest in ‘open air facilities’ to which the prospective buyer said ‘ah good you crap out of the window then much more hygienic’. This latter technique being similar to the method known as the ‘Narobian Flying Toilet’ (Trade Mark applied for). Where if caught short in Nairobi you crap into a sandwich bag (available from the local Tesco’s) and throw it out of the window.

Now I am drawn to these things by a recent foray into the world of commodes and toilets as we decided to give a rather special birthday present for my Mother in Law (who sadly is now deceased since this article was original published) who now well into her dotage is having difficulty in managing the ten or so steps to the lavatory just down the corridor. So my wife had this hare brained idea to buy her a commode – a crap present in every meaning of the word. Anyhoo we ordered said commode and were assured that it would be delivered well in time for the birthday celebrations due in just over a week after the order. Suitable arrangements were made for the launch party and first use – We had in mind a ‘strapping in party’ where we would tie the old bird into the chair while we all went off down the pub – so having done the order we settled down and waited for said commode to turn up on the wicket. Needless to say nothing happened and the birthday arrived with no commode in sight to the disappointment of all – we still went ahead with the party you’ll be glad to hear but had to make do with strapping Ma-in-Law in the normal loo before going down the pub.

Another two weeks pass and sister in law had been waiting in, as one does, for the toilet men to appear. During this time whilst faffing around upstairs a far away whisper is heard from below … ‘oh there is a big white van outside do you think he is coming here’ … ‘have you answered the bloody door?!!’ … ‘what?’ … ‘crap Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! – as sister in law turned around at the top of the stairs stumbled and fell ‘A over T’ from top to bottom of the stairs landing in a crumpled heap on the hallway floor. After confirming she was still alive although with a near broken ankle she crawled and dragged herself to the front door and managed to open it to just in time to catch a glimpse of a white van disappearing into the blue yonder. She shut the door and crawled in a way my old army chums would admire to the phone, pulled it to the floor, and rang up the toilet company – ‘your bloody men just cleared off without dropping off the commode!!’ … ‘oh it wasn’t one of our delivery men your order won’t be ready for another two weeks from next Tuesday’. What do you mean I have been waiting in for the last two weeks ‘ … ‘oh you needn’t do that our delivery men will call back if you are not in’. Well we all know what a great sport it is for white van men to park up just down the road and with a pair of high powered binoculars spy out the land and wait for the five minutes that one pops out to the shops for a loo roll or to pick up the kids from school – then they pounce and drop that annoying little card through the letter box that says something like ‘missed you unable to delivery a parcel’.

Anyhoo the conversation went down hill from there on in and the order for the commode ended up being cancelled (crap service etc etc.). My sister in law then collapses to the floor rubbing her ankle whilst muttering profane curses and running through the synonym list for faeces. Just then Ma-in-Law pops her head round the door ‘oh you don’t have time to do your exercises now I need to go to the toilet?’
‘Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!… Due to profane nature of the rest of the dialogue and reporting restrictions under the mental health act the rest of this blog entry has been deleted. However I am sure RoyMogg Blog readers will be glad to know that the ambulance team did manage to remove an antique porcelain potty (Alfred Meakin c 1900) from Mrs H senior’s head and I have also been successful in ordering a replacement commode as shown in the picture below.
Cheers

Royston

The Loo

Recent Archaeological research shows football invented in Wales

Recent Archaeological research shows football invented in Wales

The first reference to football being played in this country was actually in Wales over a thousand years ago. The beautiful game was watched and played by hooligans as it is nowadays was probably introduced to Great Britain by the Romans in Wales and was played in the great Amphitheatre in Silurum Venta (aka Caerleon) by soldiers of the Second Augustan Legion during breaks from sacking, pillaging and general mayhem. Watched by the local natives one can imagine how it quickly spread to the other main tribes in South Wales the Dementae (the Llanethii) and Ordovices (Pontypoolae) and in a few years a healthy football league was established only broken when the pre-eminent Welsh Saint Cadfael banned football on the Streets of Shrewsbury in the middle of the 12th century allowing cnapan to ascend into prominence.

As a form of replacement the game of cnapan became very popular especially in the Southern counties of Wales where two teams of around 750 per side from competing parishes passed a tallow soaked wooden ball (the cnapan) between team members until the ball was too far from the start point to be returned before dusk or everyone went home for tea or got fed up. Clearly archery, bowls and Quoits also played a major role in Welsh sports as well as the more obvious games of coracle racing or Bando. This latter game, which is a form of Hockey played without a ball, is where the team players (the obligatory 750 per side from competing parishes) beat the crap out of each other until the last man standing is declared the winner then taken to hospital. An honourable mention must also go to Welsh Baseball played for hundreds of year since the reign of Llywelyn ap Cruffydd the Last, which was as we all know taken up by the Americans, and where the modern form of the Welsh game was codified in Llantrisant in 1892 only to die out promptly in 1893.

I mention the illustrious past of Welsh honor on the field of sport as suitable backdrop to our recent successes in the Olympic games where four medals were won by Welsh athletes (one more than the Scots I note) and our aspirations to field our own team at the 2012 Olympics in London. There has been heated discussions across the country (well in Jack Trehern’s bar in Newport) that we could have quite a success as the tradition of sports runs deep in the country as can be seen from the above. The only thing holding us back is that with the exception of the above we are quite hopeless at most sports, and despite representations to the IOC cnapan will not be a demonstration sport at the next Olympics. Which as a South Wales Argus editorial recently noted is yet another sign of cultural imperialism by the English and a shameful indictment of the Gordon Browns mishandling of the economy and comes as a direct consequence of the credit crunch (Eh what! ed.).